Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Idiot proofing test

This is such a common occurrence, it's ridiculous: idiot adopts a puppy because it's cute then neglects to spend any time training it and then returns it once he realizes that puppies actually grow up into dogs.

I once had a gym teacher in high school who did that for his kids. Every Christmas he'd get them a kitten and then just before the next Christmas, he'd "get rid of it" - whatever that meant - and get his kids a new kitten. What a turd. His kids are probably psychopaths now. I'm so sick of these selfish morons. There should be a registry for morons and their moronic excuses for dumping pets to prevent those morons from ever procreating more morons because it's doubtful they'll treat their moron-bred kids any better.

A good first step would be to create an idiot proofing test to prevent them from adopting puppies (or kittens). The test could go something like this:

1. What does your puppy eventually become?
a. A dog.
b. A head of cabbage.
c. Your mommy.
d. The president of the United States.

2. What should do once you get your puppy home?
a. Set up a comfortable area for it to sleep and eat.
b. Make it wash your dishes and do your laundry.
c. Celebrate by drinking a case of beer, eating the week old birthday cake you stole from your kid's friend's party and sticking the pup in the garage.
d. Hand the pup over to your kids with ADD because you've run out of Ritalin.

3. Is it a good idea to train your puppy?
a. Yes, absolutely.
b. No, training's a total time waster.
c. Maybe, but only if your can get your 400 pound lard ass off the yellow stained futon sofa.
d. You can't because your brain is only partially formed and you barely know how to shit in a toilet by yourself.

4. What's one of the most important things about training?
a. Consistency.
b. Punishment.
c. Whuh?
d. Yerp?

5. What's the best way to housebreak your puppy?
a. There are many methods but the important thing is to be patient and not punish the puppy for accidents.
b. Kick it
c. If the pup poops in the house, rub its nose in the poop then take the poop and rub it all over the pup while screaming at it. Then go wash your hands. Then go wash the pup. Then go wash all the furniture.
d. Why bother? You piss and crap in your own pants all the time. Nothing wrong with that.

6. Should you bring your puppy to a vet for a general check up?
a. Yes.
b. Naah. You get all my medical info off the internet.
c. Are they covered by OHIP?
d. If your pup gets sick, you're just going to drop it off by the side of the road.

7. Should you allow your pup to remain unaltered and eventually participate in uncontrolled breeding?
a. No.
b. Fuck yeah. Your puppy's going to be a gangsta stud.
c. Why not? You do.
d. Breeding and selling puppies is the best money maker you know of next to e-mail scams and participating in paid pharmaceutical testing.

8. What should you do if your puppy nips your hand while playing?
a. Start by pulling your hand away, stopping play and ignoring the puppy.
b. Kick it.
c. Kick it harder.
d. Return it for a better puppy and if anyone at the shelter gives you a hard time it's because they're animal loving, baby killing, anti-gun, environmentalist, commie, homo, al Quaida terrorist jerks.

If the person being tested checks off anything other than "a" in any of the above questions then the person's an idiot and can't have a puppy or a dog or a cat or a goldfish or any animal or anything that requires a modicum of intelligence to care for it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Love this.........I seriously don't know how the staff at TAS deals with the abundance of retards that come in with some lame exuse of why they're dropping off their pets. It makes me sick. I know there are times when people may have valid reasons but for the most part I doubt it.