Monday, July 6, 2009

Somebody should hire me to write an advice column

Christie Blatchford writes in The Globe and Mail about how We'll go to extraordinary lengths to believe our dogs will never die. It's a thoughtful commentary but the most telling line is this one:

... most dogs, like some people, are so good they should live forever ...

which is a sentiment after my own heart - although we may be in disagreement over the exact ratio of most:some.

Because of this like-mindedness, and even though I am in no way affiliated with Ms. Blatchford or the Globe and Mail or any past, present or future respectable purveyor of news and information, I feel I am, nevertheless, in a position to respond to some of the comments posted about her column.

The majority of the comments were quite positive but as the wise saying goes, even the most beautiful people produce shit daily. And I'm sure that The Globe and Mail would never allow on their site to be posted any low brow responses to this fine sampling of superbly erudite opinions.

That's why I'm here.

David B: Yet another in an endless series of columns about her dog. Complete with the obligatory farting references, of course. Hard hitting journalism. Blatchford is a shoe-in for a Pulitzer for this one.

My response: Dear David B, shut the fuck up.

Steve French: I was raised ona farm, I do not tolerate animals in the house. Dogs, cats, hamsters (rats) birds, fish, monkey's, they belong outside. I am disgusted by people who sleep with their dogs (surrogate child).
i like my computer fish - don't have to feed them, flush them, or forget them.


Dear Steve French, I'm sorry to hear that your parents raised you in a pig pen forcing you to curl up in pig feces while their dogs snuggled with them in their bed. Your feelings of jealousy and inadequacy are thus understandable but, really, no one cares about how the sow assaulted you as a child so please shut the fuck up and go back to your stall.

Sask Resident: Most pet owners make their pets suffer when the get old, like keeping a parent on life support, drooling and peeing their pants, with no dignity. But rather than thinking of the pet, they are selfish and make to pet suffer to make themselves feel better. Pets are not humans and are not children, no matter how many times you tell yourself that they are the same.

Dear Sask Resident, it's good to know you've so thoughtfully put your parents out of their misery. After they realized what they'd done in creating you, I'm sure they welcomed it and I'm expecting you'll take the same steps on yourself as soon as you start drooling and pissing in your own pants. In the meanwhile, please consider changing your diapers and shut the fuck up.

TRL: Have you ever seen a pack of dogs outside the pampered pet context? They only appear civilized because they know who their master is and are provided with abundant food.

Dear TRL, appearing civilized is more than you'll ever be regardless of the reasons so do us all a favour and please stop rubbing your hairy rectum in the Kraft dinner you're about to gulp down and just shut the fuck up.

AllenJ: I'm with Steve French on this one. We tend to anthropomorphize our pets. They aren't surrogate humans. They are animals. They belong outdoors, not in our beds shedding and farting. Blatchford should get a life.

Dear AllenJ, I'm sorry for your baby goldfish sized penis. Kindly remove it from Steve French's mouth. Oh, and shut the fuck up.

Steve French: Yes, Blabsford needs to be put out of our misery. One more column gushing about her stupid dog and I'm gonna vomit.

Dear Steve French, I'm sorry but AllenJ still has his penis in your mouth which is probably why you feel like vomiting. Kindly remove it and then shut the fuck up.

Requiem: How banal. Dogs die. But more: people die, too. Write about something meaningful, for a change. Who cares about dogs? Yeah, they're cute, but I am so sick of selfish dog owners who don't use leashes (because they know that Fifi is soooo sweet), who don't pull their nosey dogs away from you while walking them, allow them to poop and pee all over the place, allow them to sit in laps in the car, and so on. Oh, and as a jogger, I've been repeatedly bitten by nervous dogs. Next time I'm going to hoof the dog in the nose and bite the owner.

Requiem: If you're repeatedly being bitten by dogs then either you're a pungent piece of bacon on two legs or a liar. Either way, shut the fuck up, liar.

14 comments:

Shannon said...

I'm in hour 12 of an ongoing work day and I loved this post. It made me laugh out loud.

And it made me miss my cats who are probably at home waiting for their dinner, nightly play session and head scratches.

Thanks!

Sarah (and Maggie and Daisy) said...

I could not agree more with each comment, verbatim. I sometimes wonder why I like my dogs more than any humans I know and then I read the mindless drivel that these useless turds of humans posted in response to the article .... and I suddenly remember.

Miz Minka said...

My best friend's 109-year-old grandmother used to say: "Don't trust anyone who doesn't like plants, animals, or kids." These "fine" examples of commenters from the shallow end of the human gene pool are certainly not part of the species with which I would want to associate.

Sharon said...

I would read that column any day of the week! I also think you could take that stance and run for political office! Now I must return to my den of dog, skinny pig, hampsters, fish, turtles, guinea pigs, lobster, lizard, frog and praying mantis (all rescues) all of which I think I could have a more intellectual conversation with then half (or should I say some) the people out there...

Joanne said...

This is exactly what is wrong with the world, people trying to dictate who (and dogs are who's) someone can have feelings, affection or love for. What does it matter who you love as long as you do. There is enough hateful crap in this world to last a lifetime. And why do these idiots think that because you care for and love your dog/cat/pet that you don't or are incapable of caring for people. The two are not mutually exclusive. As a matter of fact, I would like to see their humanitarian record. Piss off you morons. I would trust a person who cares for their animal far more than I would someone who cares only for themselves or thinks their upright (thinking???) status makes them superior to everything else. Mindless sods...

redstarcafe said...

Articles about animals never fail to bring these types out of the woodwork. And why is Christie writing about her dog when there are millions of starving children halfway across the world that none of these folks really care except to trot them out as a diversion?

That bit about how we're different from the rest of creation, what's that all about and why does it mean Christie can't write about our connection with it?

Cathrine said...

And you know what? If these fine specimens of humanity have dogs, the dogs probably love them anyway. (Their cats probably left home in disgust long ago).

With you all the way, Fred, especially on your refrain...

cblueiii said...

Wasn't going to turn on my computer today. Been really bummed and trying to see if I had anything black to wear to a funeral on friday... and the realizationg that I will probably have another one to go to in a couple of weeks. But I did turn on my computer and glad I did because you made my day! Hilarious.

GoodDog said...

"I am disgusted by people who sleep with their dogs (surrogate child)."

I am confused as to why sleeping with your dog is like having a surrogate child. Dogs in bed make a great foot warmer and when the alarm goes off at 5:15 they are THRILLED to get up to start the day with you. Children in bed serve no such purpose.

:)

Lynn said...

Is it just me or is there a theme here? I'm thinking a good title for your advice column might be: "Ask Fred. Then Shut The Fuck Up."

Just a thought...

Ian said...

You are so funny.
I think you should be hired to comment after comments in these Newspaper articles.

How hateful do some people have to be to even bother posting a comment on a story about dogs?
I guess if they weren`t posting hateful messages about dogs and their people they`d be posting elsewhere about another group of people.

Suzie said...

You Know,
if they're so bent on being better than the rest of all living creatures out here, how come none of them accept responsibility to take care of them...

And the guy claiming to have been bit repeatedly by dogs - you'd think he would have learned not to run past dogs after the first nip.

Jen said...

Brilliant. Thanks for the great laugh.

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