Somebody should hire me to write an advice column

Christie Blatchford writes in The Globe and Mail about how We'll go to extraordinary lengths to believe our dogs will never die. It's a thoughtful commentary but the most telling line is this one:

... most dogs, like some people, are so good they should live forever ...

which is a sentiment after my own heart - although we may be in disagreement over the exact ratio of most:some.

Because of this like-mindedness, and even though I am in no way affiliated with Ms. Blatchford or the Globe and Mail or any past, present or future respectable purveyor of news and information, I feel I am, nevertheless, in a position to respond to some of the comments posted about her column.

The majority of the comments were quite positive but as the wise saying goes, even the most beautiful people produce shit daily. And I'm sure that The Globe and Mail would never allow on their site to be posted any low brow responses to this fine sampling of superbly erudite opinions.

That's why I'm here.

David B: Yet another in an endless series of columns about her dog. Complete with the obligatory farting references, of course. Hard hitting journalism. Blatchford is a shoe-in for a Pulitzer for this one.

My response: Dear David B, shut the fuck up.

Steve French: I was raised ona farm, I do not tolerate animals in the house. Dogs, cats, hamsters (rats) birds, fish, monkey's, they belong outside. I am disgusted by people who sleep with their dogs (surrogate child).
i like my computer fish - don't have to feed them, flush them, or forget them.

Dear Steve French, I'm sorry to hear that your parents raised you in a pig pen forcing you to curl up in pig feces while their dogs snuggled with them in their bed. Your feelings of jealousy and inadequacy are thus understandable but, really, no one cares about how the sow assaulted you as a child so please shut the fuck up and go back to your stall.

Sask Resident: Most pet owners make their pets suffer when the get old, like keeping a parent on life support, drooling and peeing their pants, with no dignity. But rather than thinking of the pet, they are selfish and make to pet suffer to make themselves feel better. Pets are not humans and are not children, no matter how many times you tell yourself that they are the same.

Dear Sask Resident, it's good to know you've so thoughtfully put your parents out of their misery. After they realized what they'd done in creating you, I'm sure they welcomed it and I'm expecting you'll take the same steps on yourself as soon as you start drooling and pissing in your own pants. In the meanwhile, please consider changing your diapers and shut the fuck up.

TRL: Have you ever seen a pack of dogs outside the pampered pet context? They only appear civilized because they know who their master is and are provided with abundant food.

Dear TRL, appearing civilized is more than you'll ever be regardless of the reasons so do us all a favour and please stop rubbing your hairy rectum in the Kraft dinner you're about to gulp down and just shut the fuck up.

AllenJ: I'm with Steve French on this one. We tend to anthropomorphize our pets. They aren't surrogate humans. They are animals. They belong outdoors, not in our beds shedding and farting. Blatchford should get a life.

Dear AllenJ, I'm sorry for your baby goldfish sized penis. Kindly remove it from Steve French's mouth. Oh, and shut the fuck up.

Steve French: Yes, Blabsford needs to be put out of our misery. One more column gushing about her stupid dog and I'm gonna vomit.

Dear Steve French, I'm sorry but AllenJ still has his penis in your mouth which is probably why you feel like vomiting. Kindly remove it and then shut the fuck up.

Requiem: How banal. Dogs die. But more: people die, too. Write about something meaningful, for a change. Who cares about dogs? Yeah, they're cute, but I am so sick of selfish dog owners who don't use leashes (because they know that Fifi is soooo sweet), who don't pull their nosey dogs away from you while walking them, allow them to poop and pee all over the place, allow them to sit in laps in the car, and so on. Oh, and as a jogger, I've been repeatedly bitten by nervous dogs. Next time I'm going to hoof the dog in the nose and bite the owner.

Requiem: If you're repeatedly being bitten by dogs then either you're a pungent piece of bacon on two legs or a liar. Either way, shut the fuck up, liar.