Wednesday, March 25, 2009

My profile

I've been getting some queries about why I don't have a profile up so I decided to write one except that I've got so much to say about myself that it doesn't fit in the allotted profile word count made available by Blogger (1200 characters only! Ha, I couldn't come close to describing in hi-def detail even the first few moments of my life with only 1200 characters!) so I decided to make a post of it, all about me, and here it is:

I volunteer at Toronto Animal Services South. I walk the dogs there and I photograph them. I blog about it. Mostly about the dogs. Not so much about myself.

Except I realized, after I read it, that wasn't nearly enough info about me and it dawned on me that, really, a single post wouldn't do me justice anyway and so now I could have done what most bloggers do which is create a blog all about myself and write about myself constantly and every single day and provide utterly mind blowing, need-to-know twitter updates ...

7:09 a.m.
Hey it's raining. I'm going to wear my rain boots

7:35 a.m.
Oh my boots are leaking

7:36 a.m.
Or is that my feet sweating?

7:44 a.m.
Must look into getting botox injections to stop sweaty feet. Is that too vain?

7:51 a.m.
What would Jesus do?

7:52 a.m.
I just remembered, Jesus doesn't wear shoes so he probably doesn't worry about sweaty feet

7:59 a.m.
Oh wait, did my dog just pee in my boots?


... Everyone who's anyone is twittering and I'm sure that would have been totally kick ass but instead I've gone a step further and created something even kick assier.

If you want to know more about me, I've developed a comprehensive training program which studies have shown can improve knowledge about me in 9 out of 10 people, 17 times out of 20. The kit includes a double folded pamphlet about my life, a random object I lightly touched within the last week, a page from a magazine I sort of glanced at quickly, and the residual warmth from my fingers emanating from the envelope I send you. All this for not 7, not 6 but only 5 easy payments of not $79.99, not $69.99 but only $59.99 each - and that includes all taxes and handling and by handling I mean:

1. I put all the valuables into a bubble envelope.
2. I lick the flap and/or remove the removeable strip to reveal the sticky stuff underneath.
3. I fold and seal the flap.
4. I get my mum to drop the envelope off into the mailbox.
5. If my mum can't do it because she's too "busy" "cleaning the house" or "cooking" or "doing my laundry" or "running the bath water for me" then I get the kid next door to drop it off but then I have to pay him $5.00 which will cost you $20.00.
6. If the kid next door can't drop it off then I have to drop it off myself which won't cost me anything but which will cost you $45.00 plus a possible surcharge of $10.00 depending on whether or not it's cold out and if I have to wear pants.
7. If I have to deliver the envelope to the mailbox at the corner myself, there may also be an additional $500 charge which is how much I owe the guy across the street for, uh, headache medicine. But that's only if he catches me and he hasn't yet so chances are good you'll save the $500.
8. Yes, you still have to pay for postage. I mean, fuck, do I look like I'm running a charity here?

Anyway, yeah. That's how it works. Once I get all the cash, I send you the stuff.

Bonus: If you act now, I'll also include some tap water which I will have personally transferred into a plastic bottle. Once you've poured the water out into your own properly consecrated gold chalice, remember to return the plastic bottle to me so I can get a refund on it otherwise there will be an additional $25 charge added to your credit card.

Bonus Plus!: If you really act now, you will automatically get a 5% discount on any item I discard this month. So far that includes an empty bag of ketchup flavoured potato chips (some crumbs at the bottom but now that I see them, I'll probably pour them out into a dish and save them for guests), a bottle of old shampoo, and one sock (because I've spent the last 8 months looking for the matching one but can't find it and the police are absolutely no help). Actually, sorry, I'm going to keep the shampoo, in case the guests ask for hand soap.

19 comments:

redstarcafe said...

You could sell this stuff on eBay...

Better than puppies on Craigslist :(

DogsDeserveFreedom said...

Is there an early bird special? :)

DogsDeserveFreedom

Anonymous said...

And what about a picture? There's no excuse for not posting a flattering photo of Brad Pitt suitably photoshopped...

Fred said...

redstarcafe, I bought an emergency bag of air off ebay last week. I'm keeping it in the basement as emergency back up in case we run out. Always be prepared. Boy scout motto.

DDF, I'll let you know if I change my mind on the shampoo.

Anonymous, how'd you know I look like Brad Pitt?

Anonymous said...

I've always wanted to go down and see the animals at TAS... I'd be tempted to adopt another dog... and seeing as my boyfriend has 2 (rescues) we're at the city limit.

Guess I'm busy enough with Dinglehopper, though.

- Michelle

Fred said...

Michelle, sounds like you've got your hands full. Who are Dinglehopper's roomies?

Anonymous said...

Dingle lives with a pug/bulldog mix (looks like a poorly bred pug) and a pug/beagle mix.

Thanks for doing an entry on Dingle... I just read it!

Cosset said...

Really, why not just twitter?

Fred said...

If I started Twittering, my whole world would obsessively turn into 140 character units. I already have a short enough attention span. No need to aggravate that.

Biscuit said...

I actually think you could put Twitter to good use - link to new blog posts, new TAS arrivals etc. I know it's Just Another Thing to sign up for, but it definitely has its fun/useful side.

Fred said...

I'd actually like to get TAS onto Twittering. There's four locations and I only have knowledge of one of them so, you're right, for immediate updates of the all dogs at all the locations, Twitter would be a great tool.

Bev said...

What camera do you use, Fred? Love your photos, btw, you do such a fantastic jobs of capturing personalities not just faces. And I know... with animals and babies, its harder than it looks!

Fred said...

Hi Bev, I just use a digital point and shoot. Most will do a good enough job. I'm lazy and don't like lugging around a lot of heavy camera equipment and many dogs actually get nervous when a camera is pointed at them, for some reason, so the smaller the better.

Joni said...

Love your pet photo header design and your profile! Your amazing and thank you for helping shelter dogs. By the way, I just wrote a blog post about people that save shelter dogs with their camera skills : Photos that save pets' lives - http://animalnewsinfo.posterous.com/photos-that-save-pets-lives

lucy sunshine said...

i just wanted to tell you i think your photos are amazing. thank you for sharing. people like you make the world a nicer place. ;-)

janice said...

Fred, I love the blog, keep it coming. I don't know if you saw this, but I thought it would give Stella a run for her money.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1237727/Is-Giant-George-worlds-tallest-dog-The-7ft-long-blue-great-dane-claim-title.html

Fred said...

Janice, wow, that is one big dog. He's almost twice the size of Stella. Thanks for the link.

Alicia said...

Hi Fred! I noticed you havent posted in awhile. I hope all is well! :) I love your pictures!!

Sylvia said...

I take in stray animals all the time trying to find them new homes. It's hard work. i wish there was some way i could start an adoption agency for rescued animals.