Saturday, February 7, 2009

Why I can't get puppies

Pulled from the previous post's comments:

Joanne said...

Fred, I think they should live at your house......what fun it would be....


Fred said...

Joanne, Stella's telling you to shush.


Joanne said...

Fred, tell Stella to lighten up...she would have such fun with those two little monsters..I can see it all now...


Look, the thing is Stella's is afraid of puppies. She a big clumsy girl and puppies are these little squishy things that run around her feet and chew on her toenails. She doesn't like that.

She doesn't like puppies because she doesn't know what to do with them. She can't boss them around because they just clamp onto her tail and play tug of war. She can't growl at them because they just grab onto her jowls and hang onto her face for free rides around the park. She can't punch them because they're too small a target and she's a spazz. Whenever there are puppies at the park, Stella goes to the other end of the park. She'd rather be outside the park and far away but I make her stay so everyone can have a good laugh at her expense. Yes, I am that mean.

The last time there was a puppy at the park, it was one of those football headed dogs, what are they, English Bull Terriers? Anyway, this football head pup wanted Stella to be its mommy and wouldn't leave her alone. It kept jumping up at her and butting her with its hard football hammerhead. Stella growled and snapped and tried to punch it but to no avail. It chased her to the other end of the park where Stella ran around in circles in humiliation trying to get away from that crazy little shit. Eventually, its owner went and put the leash back on his pup and dragged it away from Stella but even as it was being dragged away, it would yelp at her and she would flinch.

This morning Stella whooped the ass of a 140 pound, 2 year old Dane because it said that her snowsuit made her look fat. Now she taught it a good lesson but if that Dane was only 14 pounds and 2 months old, it would've had her for sure.

This morning, Rocky tried to kick the ass of my neighbour's 160 pound English Mastiff but crumbly old Rocky left his dentures in the jar and gumming a dog doesn't win any fights. Rocky's crazy enough to take on all dogs who would dare to trespass against him but having said that, Rocky's afraid of squeaky noises. If Stella picks up a squeaky toy and squeaks it in Rocky's face, he will run to the back of the house and hide. This is quite entertaining for Stella, and if Stella had her way, there would be squeaky toys in every room of the house.

After being squeaked at, Rocky won't come out from hiding behind the curtains for hours and even then, he'd still be highly traumatized. That's the other reason we can't get puppies. They squeak - at least I'm sure they would when Stella sits on them.

4 comments:

Joanne said...

OK, it is 3 a.m. (fell asleep at 8 pm and this is what happens) and I am sitting here laughing like some insane fool at the imagery in your post. When I was growing up my parents had a german sheppard (somewhat), Trixie, and a standard poodle, Tubby, neither one of which were small dogs. They also had this incredibly aggressive, miserable, nasty budgie, Tweetie Bird. Tweetie used to run across the kitchen floor and grab onto the hair between the toes of the dogs and yank. I am sure that hurt. Yet neither one of them would dare touch that bird. You could see the wheels turning in their heads weighing the consequences of one quick snap vs. whatever the punishment would be. They always figured it wasn't worth it..... So for years this bird tormented and controlled those dogs. When Tweetie Bird passed away, I personally saw both of them dancing a jig in the backyard, huge, goofy grins on their faces. So tell Stella that I understand completely. And, if she is a really good girl, next year I will knit her a custom-designed doggie hat of her very own so that she can be the design maven of the park.

Anonymous said...

Tell Stella she's not alone! Our Midnight Posey is proven the toughest cat on three continents, except when it comes to kittens. She absolutely hates kittens! They chase her tail and pounce on her back and chew her ears, and completely ignore her growls hisses and snarls.

Kids nowadays have no respect...

Steve Bartlett said...

LOL! My little dog (Lisa) has definite "small puppy syndrome" when it comes to big dogs. Luckily they've just laughed at her (at least so far). My big dog (Buddy) is very gentle with small dogs, cats and kittens (especially kittens). He sort of squished a kitten between the sofa cushions once (no harm done), but the squeals upset him. Now when I get new kittens he just lies down and lets them crawl all over him. He's still aggressive towards larger dogs he doesn't know, so I definitely have to keep him leashed at all times. No incidents so far; if I sense the other dog is also aggressive I just cross the street or otherwise lead him away.

Caveat said...

LOL!

My ancient Wiener dog detests puppies, especially from the Gundog group.

He doesn't like being bugged and has no tolerance for ill-mannered upstarts who don't recognize his position and authority.

So, I try to keep them away for their own safety.

Anything older than 6 months seems to be OK because overall he's good with dogs.