Friday, February 13, 2009

Stuck

Okay, well, it's another day, another dingleberry hanging out the ass end of my dog only it's not just any old dingle, it's a clear plastic bag which I suppose means it's not a true dingleberry but whatever. It's hanging out and it's not going anywhere and Stella's doing the butt shuffle around the park dragging the long stringy shit bag with her. All I'm thinking is it looks like she's just half pooped out her intestines. Now I'm going to have to go over there and finish the job by pulling the rest out of her and how please-I-hope-I-don't-puke gross that's going to be but I'm also thinking Hey that's kind of cool how the poop comes prebagged already but then I'm back to thinking please I hope I don't puke and also I hope no one else comes to the park this minute and sees what I'm about to do.

Which reminds me of the time I was at the park with Stella, and "Kevin" and "Derek" (I've changed their names to protect their future children) were there with their dogs. Derek had with him his pack of rescued dogs which don't really play a big part in this story except as traumatized witnesses.

I had just arrived and already I knew there was something wrong as both Kevin and Derek were leaning over Kevin's dog, "Jax", who was on his back. Jax was usually a very lively dog so him being on his back when he could be chasing squirrels or rolling in crap was very unusual. I walked through the gates and approached the group slowly but when I got a peak at what was going on, I immediately gagged back my Captain Crunch and quickly returned Stella to the car so that she wouldn't have the horrific image singed onto her eyeballs for the rest of her life as she's got enough mental problems already.

Once I made sure Stella was okay, I walked tentatively back to Kevin and Derek. Derek's dogs were all in various stages of shock and awe but Kevin and Derek themselves, and I have to give them props for this, were totally cool, well, pretty near totally cool, well, close enough to cool given what had just happened.

Okay, this next little bit is gross but if you can get over the gross there's some funny afterward so bear with me if you can.

Jax had gotten himself so excited that morning from butt surfing on the soft moist grass that his lipstick had squeezed out but it had come out so much and expanded to such a degree that it had gotten stuck and couldn't get back in. The penile sheath had been pushed all the way back to the base of Jax's stickshift and because everything was so swollen, the stretched sheath was acting like a super tight tourniquet not allowing the blood in his members only club to flow back out. It looked like a bloody big blood sausage just wobbling off of poor Jax's belly. The poor guy couldn't walk. He was totally immobilized.

The thing was so swollen that at the base of it, it had ballooned out so much that it looked like Jax still had his plums even though they'd been removed ages ago.

You know what's funny is that at this point when I tell the story to people, the women are all, "Oh yeah, that sounds uncomfortable," like I'm describing an itchy pair of wool socks or something and the men who are still listening are all standing around with their hands over their gonads like those soccer guys about to get their balls mashed in by a free kick.

Anyway, Kevin and Derek were trying to figure out what to do about the situation and every so often they'd reach down and examine Jax's affected area and Jax would yowl in pain. At least I think it was pain.

Kevin was like, "Let's try pulling the sheath back down," and he'd reach for it and I was like, "No, no, no, no, don't touch it for God's sake. Let's take him to the vet before it explodes!" and Kevin was like, "No, I think ... I ... can ... if ... I ... can ... just ..." and then Jax would yowl and Kevin was like, "No, it's too tight," and I was like, "We got to take him to the vet. We'll take him to emerge. The traffic's not too heavy yet. We can still get there in time."

"How're we going to get him to the car? It's too far," Kevin said and I looked down at Jax and realized that even carrying him might cause things to flop around too much resulting in who knows what kind of wear and tear.

Then suddenly Derek was like "You know, I just read about this on the internet the other day" and I was like, to myself, "Huh?", and Derek was like, "There were some pictures," and now I was like "Wha?" and I was thinking there was a good reason why he was living on his own with just his dogs, and he was like, "... and we just need to wait for Jax to calm down and relax a bit and everything'll be fine. We just need to wait."

10 seconds later I was like, "Holy shit, we gotta do something here," and Kevin examined Jax's dingdong again but it hadn't gotten any smaller and his yowling, whenever they examined him, seemed to be getting worse (or better - who knows?).

Okay, you know how earlier I had said that when Stella had that bag hanging out of her butt and I thought I'd have to go tug it out and was hoping no one would come into the park to witness the event and how that reminded me of this story? Well, here's the part in this story where I started hoping no one would come into the park.

"Okay, I've got an idea. Do you have any water?" Kevin asked me.

"Yeah, sure, in the car. There a bottle of it," I responded, then added, "Why?"

"Well, it's not getting any smaller so I'm thinking if we pour some cold water on it, it might encourage it to go down a bit."

"Yeah, good idea," Derek said, "Plus it would provide some lubrication."

Me: "Lubrication?"

Derek: "Yeah, well, it's been out for a while so it's probably getting dry."

Me: "Okay, whatever."

Kevin: "Yeah, it does seem kind of dry."

Me: "Okay, I'm going to get the water."

I ran to the car and grabbed the water and I was thanking Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny that Stella was a girl and I rushed back to the park.

I handed the water over to Kevin and he unscrewed the lid and he was about to pour it on Jax when he stopped and he said, "You know, this water's a bit cold."

Derek said, "Let me see that," and he grabbed the bottle. "Oh yeah, that's pretty cold."

"I don't want to shock him or anything 'cause I don't know what that would do," Kevin said.

Me: "What are you talking about?"

Derek: "Yeah, we don't know what would happen if his penis gets immersed in too cold water too quickly."

Me: "Well, it's not going to explode or anything. I mean cold things contract, right?"

Kevin: "Yeah but it still might be too much of a shock."

So we stood there for another 20 seconds and finally Kevin looked like he had finally made up his mind about something and he said, "Okay, I'm going to swish the water around in my mouth first to warm it up and then I'll dribble it on," and then he added, "I hope no one comes into the park right now."

I was kinda wishing I wasn't in the park right then either.

Kevin took some water into his mouth and gurgled it while Derek stood watch to make sure the operation went smoothly. Kevin looked at Derek and nodded his head to signal that he felt the water was ready and Derek returned the nod. It was like watching a MASH rerun and Derek was Trapper John and Kevin was a fucked up combo of Hawkeye and Hot Lips Houlahan.

Kevin bent over Jax and let the water run out of his mouth.

"Damn, I missed it," he said and at that moment it felt like someone trying to give someone else an emergency tracheotomy with a Bic pen and saying, "Oops, too much to the left."

Kevin took another swig of water and gurgled it around again and again Kevin and Derek gave each other their nods and Kevin bent over Jax and he lowered himself and then his head disappeared between Jax's legs.

You ever wish you had a video camera?

Seconds which seemed like an eternity later, Kevin straightened up and he said, "Got it."

We three men then gathered around Jax and watched and held our breathes.

Nothing. Stiff like a little gourd.

5 seconds.

Nothing.

10 seconds.

Nothing.

15 seconds.

Nothing.

But then just as Kevin was going to take another swig of water, we saw a movement in Jax's purple pickle, just the slightest flicker and then another and then suddenly it was obvious that blood was starting to drain out. We would've clapped if we didn't think it was going to draw attention to us. Also, clapping would've looked silly and we didn't want that.

A minute later Jax was back on his feet and whiplashing his tail, obviously overjoyed that his mouse was back in the house.

So with the morning's adventure over, I turned to leave when Kevin turned to me and he was like, "Okay, we're never going to tell anyone about this, right?" and I was like, "Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no I'm ... this is just between the three of us."

SHAZAM.

Not.

19 comments:

Barb said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAA

*gasp*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA....

Oh, boy, did I EVER need a laugh today and did you ever deliver!! Thank you so much, Fred!

I thought the comment about Stella's poop being "pre-bagged" was funny, but this story about Jax is absolutely freaking hysterical!

FWIW - and you probably know this already but I'll bet you've got some readers who are thinking "WTF?!" - but what you saw was just a normal doggie erection. Well, normal except that there wasn't a lady dog involved. Dog's penises are much bigger than we realize, and the "lipstick" we see from time to time is only the bare beginning of an erection, not the whole thing like most people think.

That big swelling at the base is what causes the "tie" when breeding dogs are attached - normally that swelling happens after the penis is inserted and it ensures that the two don't separate until ejaculation is complete. The penile sheath is normally retracted behind it.

I don't think I've ever heard of a neutered dog getting quite that excited, although it can happen.

Having been a vet tech for some years, and having helped collect semen from a few stud dogs, I can say that a little...er... help would have resolved Jax's situation more quickly.

But as funny as THAT might have been, it can't compete with the mental image of Kevin spitting on Jax!

You may owe me a new keyboard... mine appears to have Coke Zero sprayed all over it... :-)

House of the Discarded said...

OMG! I laughed so hard my coffee came out of my nose.

Lynda said...

That was probably the funniest thing I have ever read. Your descriptions (unfortunately?) put me right at the scene.

Brilliant.

Joanne said...

I finally calmed down...there is seriously something wrong with you....I don't know if modern psychiatry can cure it or not....I thought I was going to have a coronary I was laughing so hard. I only wish I could have been there...with a camera.... Thank you, what a wonderful start to my day.... Listen, if you ever become bored or tired with your present career, there are a lot of tv shows that would hire you as a writer in an instant...you are very ill....... Keep it up.

redstarcafe said...

OMG! Too much information! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

And I thought that dealing with string and Klingons was the worst that could happen!

Caveat said...

I know everybody exaggerates about spewing coffee and stuff, but...

I seriously was laughing out loud and am still wiping away tears so I can type this comment.

Funniest damned thing I've read in ages, if not ever.

Ian said...

You need to give up your day job and write for a living(unless your day job is writing for a living).

Hollywood needs to call you.

This is just too funny.

Have Kevin and Derek threatened you yet?
I imagine they will hear from a few friends about this episode.

Lisa said...

Ok, not as damn funny (or squeamish, really) but when I was a kid our Basset/German Shepard mix (picture that) would eat the long metallic icicles that you could drap on the Xmas tree. Whatever fell on the floor he ate. So when he pooped in the backyard each poo was fully decorated for the Holiday Season. It was a beautiful sight in the waning early winter sun, just a glittering testament to excrement.

Fred said...

Barb, thank you for the suggestion re: dog semen collecting. I think I'll now further scrape my brain by thinking about my parents having sex.

Lisa, ferchrissakes send pictures next time.

onequarterdal said...

oh help, I don't think I'll ever be the same. I laughed so hard, my belly pudge got a workout worthy of a pilates move.

EmilyS said...

now this is up there with the "dogs in elk" story.. I hope you're ready for the multiple hits!

smartdogs said...

This is too bizarre... Just minutes before reading your post I was reading this:

http://birddogdocschronicles.blogspot.com/2009/02/paraphimosis-and-c-pure-cane-sugar.html

The condition is called paraphimosis and it can be quite serious.

*This* was seriously funny.

YesBiscuit! said...

What - no video?

Anonymous said...

Its actually good first aid for this condition. We use cool lubricants and saline to try to get the tissues to decrease.

Its good you did what you did other wise the vet visit would be more intense.

Nice job!
Frank Ansede, DVM

www.DocAnsede.com

citydog said...

Holy crap, that was funny.

Just a reminder to folks, though, that pulling something out of a dog's butt isn't always the best idea, especially if it's a piece of string/rope bone or a shredded plastic bag and you don't know the length. You can do significant damage to the intestines.

Fred said...

citydog, well, last week I pulled a refrigerator out of Stella's butt and she seemed okay so ...

Actually, the plastic bag eventually came out on its own after Stella put some more effort into it. Remember, success is 99% hard work and only 1% talent, or something like that.

President DLCC said...

President of the Dog Legislation Council of Canada

Okay so one of mans most eternal questions has finally been solved,why men do not have babies.

God I would have loved to have been there.I mean who would have thought a group of men ,a dog and a water bottle could be so entertaining?

teagantimes said...

OMG, I am so glad that I'm a girl dog.. that's just soooo gross, mummy wouldn't even let me read the rudey bits!! Teagan x

Casey said...

That happened to my little dog a few times before I got him neutered. The first time, I paid a $100 emergency vet visit fee to have them put KY on his "lipstick" and roll it back into the tube. After that, I did it myself when necessary. I thought it was funny enough when it happened to me, but your story made me laugh so hard my sides hurt. Thanks!