Monday, April 20, 2009

The story of doggie snacks

Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had made; and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had made. And God kicked His feet up and pushed back on the holy La-Z-Boy and stared up at the heavens, and plugged into His iPod and listened to angel harps and horns and thus did He close His eyes and bliss out.

But soon He was bored and wanted companionship and some laughs so He saith unto Adam, "Yo, whazzup, my man Adam?". And Adam was all sweaty and freaked out as he thumb punched his PlayStation 3 game controller and said, "Nothing, man. I ain't doing nuthin'. But I'm busy. Gotta ... Damn! Fuckin fuck fucker Fucker FUCKER! HEADSHOT!" and Adam picked up his keyboard and slammeth it unto his desk but then quickly picked up his controller and recommenced with his game play.

So, God turneth unto Eve and He saith unto her, "Yo, Sista, whazzup?" and Eve was all, "I ain't your sista, Mista." And Eve furiously typed in bids on the ebay item she was watching and hit the Place Bid button as she tried to beat the other buyers but it was in vain as time was up and she lost the fake designer Louis Vuitton Monogram Vernis bag by $5.00. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit ..." Eve repeated over and over again until she realized that another bag just like it was up for grabs.

"Um Eve, I was just ..."

"Zip it," Eve saith unto God as she held up her 10 karat gold ring encrusted hand. "I'm busy. I promise, Hon, I'll give you a ding later," and with that she returneth to her ebay.

And God was most royally pissed off that He had been so rebuffed and He was about to unleash a most vengeful cataclysm upon His creations but He suddenly remembereth His yoga instructor, Daphne, telling Him to breathe whenever He felt like He was entering His red zone.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

Inhale calm.

Exhale world destroying wrath.

Better.

But still, God felt lonely and wanted companionship so he decided to try to create something to help Him with that problem. He went to his computer and Photoshopped and 3D modeled some design concepts and got some input from Gabriel, His second in command, and Michael, the big ideas guy, and, of course, Daphne, who along with being His yoga instructor was also His marketing director.

Finally, after 7 billion years of research and design iterations, God came up with ...

"I call it ... a cat."

And Gabriel picked it up and examined it and said, "Wow. That's amazing. Absolutely amazing. You amazing, boss. A genius. I never coulda thought of something like that. Now I know why you make the big bucks, heh, heh. I gotta hand it to you, you really ..."

And God was like, "Alright, alright, shut it already. I want an opinion not a hand job. Michael, what do you think?"

And Michael examined it and said, "Very exotic. I like. It's all svelte and luxurious. I absolutely love the way it slinks around like a sexy little tiger. It reminds me of Tangiers after a tropical rainstorm. Or the north pole in the summer. It's like absinthe but red. It's like hot but cold. It's like left but right. It's like ..."

And God was like, "Whoa, shut up, already. I got no idea what you're yakkin bout. Shit, you're just not right in the head, dude. You need to get yourself checked."

Thus God turneth to Daphne and saith unto her, "Yo, Daph. You got some thoughts on the cat?"

And Daphne looked at it and stroked its back and examined its teeth and stuck her fingers inside its ears and yanked on its tail and the cat turneth around and scratcheth her.

"Well, you know, it's nice but maybe not so good with kids. I think if you really want to sell this thing, you have to make it more kid friendly. Know what I'm saying?"

"Hmm, good point," saith God and He went back up to His office and after 10 billion more years came up with ...

"I call it a dog."

And Gabriel looked up and saith, "Wow, that's like the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Even better than that cat model. That's just like the most mind blowing awesomest most ..."

But again God told Gabriel to shut it.

And Michael saith, "Mmmm, it's like up but it's down. It's like a striped shirt but it's a fridge. It's like ..."

And God's like, "Okay, you know what? You gotta go. Really, just go. Don't come back. You're no longer invited to the party. Uckinfay cramsay."

Thus God turneth to Daphne, "Well, are you going tell me something useful?"

And Daphne was all, "Hey, back down off attitude mountain old man," and God was like, "Aww shit, sorry. It's just that those other two jokers are giving me crap for feedback," and Daphne was like, "Yeah, whatever, you hired 'em. Now, let me look at what you got there," and God handed over the dog which was in actuality a two month old mutt puppy.

"What a cutey pie," Daphne saith and held it up and examined its teeth and stuck her fingers inside its ears and yanked on its tail and the pup turned around and licked her on the nose. "Oh yeah, I think this is going to fly. Good job, Bossman."

And God saith, "Oh, thank goodness. I was hoping you'd like it. This l'il guy took like forever to design and build."

And Daphne saith, "Oh come on. What's a few billion years to a guy like you?"

And God saith, "Yeah well, considering I only spent like less than a day creating humans ..."

And Daphne saith sarcastically, "Um yeah, and look how well that turned out ..."

And God condsidereth that statement and then saith, "True."

Thus God was satisfied and started to create more breeds of dogs, giant and small, fat and skinny, furry and bald. Some dogs were boisterous and others were gentle. Some dogs could smell really good, some could hear really good. Most had tails but some did not. Some had brains and others not so much. Some dogs liked to dig holes, some liked to counter surf and some liked to occasionally pee in the house.

But without exception, in the eyes of God, all the dogs were good dogs.

And God set them down upon the earth to live amongst men and women and all other creatures. And some of the men and women liked the new furry creatures and took them in and bought them collars and toys and booties and winter coats and good quality dog food.

But many others looketh up unto God and complained.

"Why do you spend so much time creating such a lowly creature when there are so many problems facing us, Your most favorite of all Your creations. You should be spending all Your time helping us and not wasting it on animals."

And God saith unto these whiners, "Did I not give you much green forests and sweet water?"

And they replied, "Yes but ..."

And God saith, "Did I not give you abundant food and clean air?"

And they replied, "Yes, but..."

And God saith, "Did I not give you great big heads full of brains so you can invent medicines? And did I not give you opposable thumbs so you can pick up a hammer and build shelters? And did I not give you dominion over all the earth? Did I not give you a whole planet already?"

And they replied, "Yes, but ..."

And God saith, "And have you not already helped yourselves to the whole of the planet?"

And they replied, "Yes, but ..."

And God saith, "Then I have helped you enough so shut it. Now you'd better look after this last batch of creatures I've created, cuz if any of you pricks so much as hurt one little hair on the backs of any of my dogs, I'm gonna get all old testament on you and send your sorry asses downstairs you ingrate little shits."

And thus those whingers cowered in the face of the wrath of God for about two seconds but then soon forgot the warning and it was back to business as usual.

Epilogue:

Satan wakes up on Monday morning and is all achy and groggy from that Buddha bong he partook too much of last night but he gets dressed anyway and goes downstairs. He pours himself a big bowl of Shreddies and drowns it in soy milk and then walks over to Rufus and Rex and nudges them awake with his cloven hoof. His dogs have a hard time getting up.

The devil sighs to himself.

"They're getting old. Some day soon, they'll be taking that final elevator ride upstairs," he thinks, which almost brings tears to his eyes.

Rufus yawns and does a stiff downward dog and Rex follows suit. Then they walk over to Satan, wagging their tails and nudge their master for some good morning head scratches.

"At least they're still happy and healthy. I'm sure glad I kept them on a raw food diet," Satan thinks as he opens up his dog food pantry and he picks out one screaming Stanley R. Chiltonboil, who used to get his kicks kicking neighbourhood dogs, and he slowly pulls Stanley apart into bite size morsels and tosses the pieces to Rufus and Rex.

6 comments:

Joanne said...

Ah, divine justice...if it only were so...... Great story man....loved the pig latin....

redstarcafe said...

To god who spent only half a day or something like that inventing humans, and maybe something like ten billion years coming up with cats and dogs, well, it sure shows.

LOL, Satan, they don't call you the Bringer of Light for nothing. You're kinda like Raven who stole the sun. Can I wear my black wings? I know some kids in Didsbury that need attention. And a twit in Colorado that needs some packing tape. Not to mention plenty of local folk that think dark basements and shock collars are Good Things for dogs.

Fred, Dog help me if Stephen Harper is monitoring your blog... ;o)

foxpen said...

Best. Story. Ever.

Donna said...

Fan-fucking-tastic!!!

Barb said...

That is SO AWESOME.

Especially the last bit about Satan's take on a raw diet - I am loving that!

DogsDeserveFreedom said...

That was great. Thanks

DogsDeserveFreedom